Be Still
by fouralarmfire
Summary: "As Amanda watched Sonny interact with Claire, feeding her and responding to her happy babbles, she realized that this was everything she wanted. This was everything she loved." When Amanda finds her niece at her doorstep after a tough case, she suddenly finds her entire life turned upside down and questioning everything she thought she knew.


**I Hurt Too**

It had been a particularly tough case. The suspect was using Central Park as his hunting ground, targeting young mothers. He'd blitz them, blind them with bleach and then take them to a secluded area in the park before raping them and leaving them to be found by whoever stumbles across them.

The latest victim, Amelia D'Entremont, had been able to catch a glimpse of him before she managed to get away unscathed. It was her description that helped the SVU detectives put him away before he could hurt anyone else.

"Go home, Amanda," Olivia instructed the younger woman as she exited her office and saw her blonde hair falling in her face, which was stuck in the file folder on her desk. She noticed how Amanda was stifling a yawn every few seconds, clutching her coffee cup like it was her lifeline. She needed to sleep. "That paperwork will still be here tomorrow."

Amanda turned to Olivia, a small, tired smile playing on her lips. "You sure, Liv?" She didn't want to get her hopes up, but a night of much needed sleep at her own apartment sounded so damn good.

"I'm sure. Go."

Amanda couldn't have stood up from her seat any faster, and she gathered her belongings, turning her head slightly. "Good night, boss." And with that, she was out the door and craving the warmth and comfort only her bed could provide.

It was a long drive home, too long, and Amanda dragged her feet up to her floor and, with heavy eyes and another yawn, she made her way to her door and fumbled around for her keys in her purse.

She felt it first. Something - or rather, someone - running into her legs at full speed. She looked down in front of her and her heart stopped. There, in the very same sunflower dress that she had gotten for her sister's daughter last month, was her baby niece Claire.

_So much for a good night's sleep._

"Claire." She whispered as she adjusted her bag on her shoulder before reaching down and picking up the child, quickly entering her apartment while murmuring to her softly.

"Mommy gone," Claire whimpered, hiding her face in the crook of Amanda's neck. "Not love me."

Setting her belongings on the couch, Amanda paced the room while her niece cried. "Oh, baby. That's not true. Mommy loves you very much."

To say she was panicked would have been the understatement of the century, but she found comfort in the tiny fists clutching her blouse, the head resting in the crook of her neck. She felt needed.

Amanda could tell that Claire needed a diaper change, a bath and probably some food. _Food, _she thought. _Food I can do._

She carried Claire into the kitchen, quickly making a peanut butter sandwich and breaking off tiny pieces, coaxing Claire to eat. It didn't take much convincing though, and Amanda had to wonder when the last time she'd actually been fed was.

The thought of calling Olivia had briefly crossed her mind, but she quickly told herself that, while Olivia absolutely would have helped her, she had Noah to take care of and she really didn't want to give her boss another reason to worry.

If she called Fin or Barba, they'd be just as panicked as she was. She needed a calming presence, someone who could tell her it would be okay. Someone who could tell her that this was certainly something that she had under control. Someone who believed in her.

She pulled her phone out of her pocket, still holding Claire tightly, talking to her to try and calm the child's nerves. She quickly found his name stored in her phone and just the sound of his voice when he answered calmed her down.

_"Carisi."_

* * *

When Sonny arrived at her apartment, he was still half asleep. He had to wonder if he'd even heard her right or if it was just some weird dream that his mind was conjuring up. She'd told him that she found her sister's baby at her door. She'd found a baby at her door. A baby.

Once Sonny had finally gathered his thoughts enough to respond, he'd assured her that he was on his way and he couldn't help the swell in his heart when he finally realized that she called _him_. She trusted _him_.

He stopped at the local Wal-Mart to pick up everything a baby needed. Diapers, a playard, and even some clothes and toys.

He slowly lifted his hand to knock on her door and he heard the shuffling of footsteps on the other side before he came face to face with a very disheveled, very exhausted looking Amanda. He smiled sheepishly, holding up the bagful of supplies.

She ushered him inside, Claire still in her arms, before she continued her pacing in an effort to calm the now hysterical baby. It always worked with Kim.

_Like mother, like daughter._

"You didn't have to do all of this," she said, gesturing to the bag. She was grateful he did, though, because she figured that Claire would soon need a clean diaper, which Amanda didn't.

"Don't be ridiculous," Sonny waved a hand dismissively. "You've got enough on your plate right now." He placed a hand on Amanda's arm, stopping her mid-pace. He got a good look at Claire and noticed that the baby definitely had a Rollins look to her. "She looks like you, 'Manda."

"Shh," Amanda shushed Claire, who was now clinging to her neck and shaking in her arms. She had seen her fair share of child victims, and they were all the same. Terrified, clingy, inconsolable. Claire was no different. Claire was a victim. "It's okay, honey. You're safe."

She had no idea what she was doing and she wanted desperately to call Kim and tell her to get her child but it was late and both Claire and Amanda were beyond exhausted. They needed to sleep.

"Hey, Claire," Sonny started, waiting until Claire slowly lifted her head from the crook of Amanda's neck to look at Sonny. "I'm Sonny. I'm friends with 'Manda. I hope you don't mind, but I bought you some toys."

"Really?" Claire sniffed through her tears, taking her thumb out of her mouth just long enough to doubt the man in front of her.

Sonny slowly extracted a doll from the bag of supplies and showed Claire, who cautiously took it from Sonny.

"Thank you," she whispered, burying her face in the safety of Amanda's neck once again. Her eyes were starting to droop shut and she fisted Amanda's shirt with one hand while the other hand was resting comfortably in her mouth.

Amanda frowned, the thought that Claire had nowhere to sleep crossing her mind. She wasn't prepared for this. She should call DCFS, her sister, police. There was no way she could look after a child, a _baby_. But Claire lifted her head to look at Amanda, and her eyes found the older woman's - the same blue eyes that Amanda saw every day in the mirror - and when Claire sniffed back more tears and clutched the doll tightly to her tiny chest, Amanda knew.

This baby was staying with her.

"Dominick," she started, rubbing small circles on Claire's back, "I don't have anywhere for her to sleep. Where's she supposed to sleep?" Amanda subconsciously started bouncing Claire in her arms, causing Sonny to stop and smile at her.

The way she was holding Claire protectively, bouncing her gently, one hand rubbing circles on her back, it made him realize that the woman in front of him - despite her downright refusal to have kids - was a natural mother.

"Hey, relax," he started, placing a hand on the small of her back, "I got you covered." He pulled out a box and quickly opened it, setting up the portable playard inside. "It's not much and she'll grow out of it before you know it, but it'll work for tonight."

Amanda breathed a sigh of relief when he stepped away, both of them admiring his handiwork. He'd even bought some pillows and blankets to ensure she was as comfortable as possible.

She smiled thankfully at him before placing Claire in the playard, much to her protest. She started to whine and hold her arms up, not ready to leave the safety of Amanda's arms.

Amanda put her hand in the playard, letting Claire's tiny hand grasp her own until she calmed down. "God, Sonny, I don't know how I'm gonna pay you back for this."

"You're not," he shot back, finally giving Amanda a proper hug, holding her tightly against his chest. "I couldn't let you go through somethin' like this alone."

Amanda finally relaxed in his arms, breathing in the scent of Irish Spring and citrus. It was a smell that was so typically _Carisi _and Amanda felt this extreme sense of serenity as he held her head to his chest, softly running his fingers through her hair. "Thank you," she choked out, her voice muffled by his shirt. Overcome with emotion, she closed her eyes against his chest and let the extremity of the situation at hand sink in.

"Anytime, Rollins," he breathed out, placing a chaste kiss to her hair. "Anytime."

* * *

When it came time to bathe Claire and change her diaper, Sonny walked Amanda through the process. Amanda leaned over the bathtub and started the water. It seemed as though Sonny had remembered everything but a changing table, so she laid Claire on the bathroom rug and removed her dress, which caused her to start whimpering.

She could already tell this was going to hurt Claire, she hadn't been changed in at least a week and her skin was raw and peeling. When she undid her diaper and started to clean her, her face contorted and she started to scream.

"I know, sweetie." Amanda whispered, trying to distract her with the only thing she could see - a bottle of shampoo - and failing. "I know it hurts. I'm sorry."

Amanda couldn't put her niece through the pain of having a bath, so she opened the package of diapers and pulled out a clean one.

She opened the cabinet and grabbed the bottle of talcum powder sitting on the shelf. She looked back to Claire, and that's when she noticed her skin wasn't just peeling, it was scarred. There were marks around her genitals, and down the inside of her thighs. She turned her over on to her stomach, and saw there were scars on her bottom, too.

"Oh, God," Amanda whispered, carefully turning Claire back over. "Who did this to you, baby?"

Claire fidgeted on the floor and kicked her little legs, so she quickly finished changing her, and pulled some clothes out of the Wal-Mart bag to dress her in.

Sonny seethed, the thought of someone - especially a mother - hurting a child at the forefront of his mind. There had to be a simple explanation. There was no way that Amanda's sister - her own flesh and blood - was capable of this kind of evil.

"I know, baby," Amanda soothed, her heart hurting more and more with each minute that passed where she had to hear her niece's cries.

Sonny watched as Amanda held Claire in her arms and tried desperately to stop her from screaming, rocking back and forth with the baby in her lap.

After a few minutes, the cries stopped and Claire fell asleep in Amanda's arms. She carefully stood and walked into her bedroom, placing her in the playard. She held her breath when Claire stirred, just long enough to fist the blankets in her sleep.

Amanda breathed a sigh of relief and looked at Sonny, who had the goofiest grin she'd ever seen playing on his lips. "What?" She whispered, so as not to wake Claire.

"Nothin'," he dismissed, trying - and failing - to wipe the grin off his face. "Just...you're a natural, Amanda. You didn't need my help at all."

Amanda's cheeks flushed at the compliment and a ghost of a smile played across her face as she playfully smacked him in the chest. Still, her heart swelled at his praise. "Yeah, right. Because I have so much experience looking after babies."

Sonny shrugged, and gave a quick one-armed hug to Amanda before padding off to bed again. That night, he dreamt of Amanda. Pregnant with his kids, carrying his babies, bringing a part of him into the world for them both to love and cherish.

His smile lasted all night.

* * *

Amanda was woken up again at 6:00 by the now familiar sound of a baby crying. Leaving Sonny asleep on the sofa bed, Amanda took Claire into the kitchen and began preparing her breakfast.

"You like french toast, Claire?"

Claire nodded eagerly, beaming at Amanda. Her doll was clutched in her hand. "Yeah!"

As she fed her some berries while she waited for the french toast, Amanda looked into Claire's huge blue eyes and couldn't help but smile. Over the last few hours, she'd gotten so used to the idea of having Claire around.

The thought that she would have to try and get in touch with Kim had tugged at her heart and she held onto Claire just a little tighter.

The baby had to stay somewhere while Amanda tracked down her mother, though, and with Sonny by her side, Amanda hadn't minded the idea of Claire's temporary home being with her at all.

Amanda heard Sonny stir from his temporary sleeping arrangement on her sofa bed and she smiled, bouncing Claire on her lap. "Morning."

Sonny stood, stretching, before walking over to Amanda and Claire. He smiled when Claire hesitantly held her arms up to Sonny and he looked at Amanda, silently asking for her approval to hold the baby.

Amanda passed Claire to Sonny before checking the french toast. She noticed that Claire kept a careful eye on Amanda, even in Sonny's arms.

Sonny got to work on the coffee, bouncing Claire on his hip as he waited for the water to drip. He grabbed a coloring book and a package of crayons from the bag of supplies that they still hadn't unpacked and she accepted it gratefully, squealing happily when it was in her hands.

"I think she likes you," Amanda turned from her spot at the stove to watch Claire and Sonny, a small smile tugging at her lips. She'd known that Sonny was good with kids - she'd seen it first hand with child victims and witnesses, but seeing him playing with her niece, helping her choose the right colors, it was something she could get used to watching.

Once everything was ready, the two sat down while Claire occupied herself on Sonny's lap, her attention split between a button on Sonny's shirt and her coloring book.

Amanda and Sonny sat in a comfortable silence while the three ate and the two adults scrolled through their phones, desperately trying to find a daycare that would accept new children on such short notice.

Amanda sighed, running her hands through her hair when she came up empty. Maybe she'd call Olivia - surely, the mother would have _some_ recommendations.

"Hey, here's one," Sonny spoke, looking up from his own phone. "Adventures in Learning. Good reviews, affordable, and they're takin' walk-ins."

Amanda leaned over to get a better look at Sonny's phone, her hair falling onto his shoulder as she read the reviews. Sonny tried not to notice.

"What do you think, Claire?" She looked over at her niece, who squealed gleefully in response and clapped her tiny hands together, causing both Sonny and Amanda to laugh. "I guess we got a winner."

* * *

Amanda had heard stories about how hard it was for parents to leave their kids behind, and had even seen it firsthand with Olivia, but she had always kind of thought they were exaggerating.

But having to drop Claire off at the daycare, hearing her scream at the top of her lungs while she reached desperately for Amanda and Sonny was torture.

"'Manda!"

Her heart simultaneously leapt and dropped when she heard Claire call out for her for the first time but was unable to go back.

Sonny had to practically drag her out of the building to stop her from going back and one of the teachers had assured her that it was a normal reaction for kids Claire's age.

She didn't give a damn if every single teacher in the building had told her the same thing, Amanda still felt like one of the people her team hunted.

She was desperate to get to work, anything to take her mind off of the stabbing pain in her heart. Getting to work on the files from yesterday, it seemed as though lunch couldn't have come fast enough.

At 12:30, Amanda finally was able to slip away into the bathroom to make a phone call to the daycare.

"Yes, this is Amanda Rollins. I'm calling to see how Claire's doing."

_"Ah, first time away from her?" The woman asked._

Amanda thought it better to just humor her and agree, instead of going into details. "Yeah."

_The woman on the other end sighed. "She's napping right now. She cried herself to sleep about half an hour ago."_

"Oh," Amanda said softly. "She's been crying this whole time?"

_"Don't worry, Ms. Rollins," the woman said soothingly. "We see this all the time with children their first day. I'm sure when she wakes up, she'll be fine."_

"Okay. I'll call again later this afternoon, maybe talk to her?"

_"That wouldn't be such a good idea, Ms. Rollins. Hearing you but not having you here would only make the transition more difficult. It's not unusual for babies Claire's age to have problems when their parents leave. I promise we'll call you if anything happens you should know about."_

Amanda wanted to correct her, tell her she wasn't Claire's parent. But then, she had to wonder whether or not that was still the case. Kim had up and left her, leaving her with Amanda to care for her, knowing she wouldn't be able to say no.

Amanda realized that she was the closest thing to a parent Claire had.

"Can I call to check up?" Amanda asked, not quite sure she was ready to let go completely.

"Of course. I wish all parents were as concerned as you."

When Amanda hung up the phone, she heard the toilet flush and saw the stall swing open, only to be met with Olivia's concerned, albeit confused, brown eyes. She'd been so worried about Claire, she hadn't even checked the stalls to see if anyone else was in the room with her, let alone Olivia. "Liv."

Olivia just gave a tight smile in return, washing her hands while looking at Amanda standing beihind her through the mirror. "So? Is Claire okay?"

Amanda just looked at Olivia, her mind reeling. How was she going to explain this? It wasn't that she wanted to keep it a secret, she just didn't know how to tell her boss about her sister's latest brush with the law. "Look, Liv, what you heard..."

"Don't." Olivia sighed and turned around, her facial features softening as she stepped closer to Amanda. "You don't have to tell me anything you don't want to, Rollins. I'm not here to judge."

Still, Amanda winced at the use of her last name. She thought that her and Olivia had gotten used to referring to each other on a first name basis years ago. She suddenly found herself spilling the entire previous night's events to her boss.

"I come home last night, and there's my niece just...she's just sitting there in her baby carrier. Kim just _left_ her there. In the hallway. For anything to happen to her."

Olivia shook her head in disgust at Kim's actions, but let Amanda continue.

"God, Liv, I can't even get in touch with her. It's like she fell completely off the face of the Earth. And now I have this baby - this little, tiny life that I'm responsible for and I'm kinda freakin' out."

"Amanda." Olivia placed a hand on Amanda's arm in an effort to comfort her. "Have you ever thought that maybe Kim left her with you because she knew you would take care of her? Because she knew you could handle it? I _know _it's scary - believe me, I do - but you are doing the right thing."

Amanda bit her lip and looked at Olivia, suddenly feeling like a child in desperate need of her mother's approval. "You think so?"

Olivia nodded, rubbing her arm gently and smiling warmly at the younger woman. "I really do."

She moved towards the door, but paused and turned around, her hand resting on the handle. "Anything you need, you know where to find me."

"Thanks, Liv." Amanda saw Olivia give a firm nod in her direction before leaving, and she couldn't help the smile that tugged at her lips.

Maybe, just maybe, she wouldn't be alone in this.

Maybe she finally had a family.

* * *

Once 5:30 came, Amanda practically ran out of the precinct before anyone could stop her. Fin had asked her if she wanted to go for drinks, but Amanda had quickly denied, telling him she had places to be.

When she arrived at the daycare, she all but ran inside, desperately needing to see her niece. "I missed you so much, Claire." She cooed, scooping the baby up into her arms.

Claire giggled happily in response and clapped her hands, finally content in Amanda's arms. "'Manda! 'Manda!"

"That's all she's said since she woke up from her nap." The teacher spoke, a soft smile on her face. "I think she missed you too."

Amanda gave a quick thanks to the teacher and was on her way, Claire in her arms. She'd been thankful that Sonny had remembered the car seat the previous night, and had to wonder if she would've ever been able to figure out how to strap Claire in properly without him.

When they'd gotten home, Sonny was waiting for them, ingredients for tacos laid out on the counter, ready to be prepared.

When Claire saw Sonny, she squealed happily in Amanda's arms and reached her arms out, making it known that she wanted the man to hold her.

"Sonny," Amanda started, eyeing the ingredients incredulously while handing Claire to him, "what are you doing?"

"Taco night," he responded simply, bouncing Claire on his hip. "Claire loves tacos. Don't you, Claire?"

In response, Claire giggled and clapped her hands together. "Tacos!"

Sonny broke off a piece of taco shell, handing it to Claire, who promptly stuffed it in her mouth and held her hand out for more.

"Want more."

"See?"

Amanda nodded and stroked Claire's hair, watching Sonny feed her another piece of shell. She really was adorable, crunching down on the tiny pieces of taco shell and shredded cheese.

As Amanda watched Sonny interact with Claire, feeding her and responding to her happy babbles, she realized that this was everything she wanted.

_This_ was everything she loved.


End file.
